Beyond Repair
by Lilac088
Summary: Have you ever wished you could go back to the start? Season 7 Demily AU.
1. Chapter 1

I have no place to be posting another story for many reasons but here we are. This is an AU-ish demily fic, set in season 7 when Emily returns with flashbacks to previous seasons. As far as canon goes, the Doyle arc has happened with some minor differences which should be clear as the story progresses. Apologies for any grammatical/spelling mistakes.

* * *

For a moment, when he first noticed her standing in the doorway, Derek Morgan was unable to feel anything. It was as if his emotions were struggling to catch up with the overwhelming external stimuli he was receiving. Surprisingly, it took him little time to cognitively process what he was seeing. There she was, his dead girlfriend, standing feet away from him. Somehow, Emily Prentiss, who had died seven months ago, was alive again.

Perhaps it was the numerous apparition like experiences he had had these past few months that told Derek that this wasn't a figment of his imagination. No, this Emily was not standing before him covered in blood. She didn't have a gaping table leg sized hole in her abdomen. She wasn't desperately pleading for life, sobbing as she asked why he didn't save her in time. She wasn't a ghostly figure haunting him in the dead of the night as he wrestled with insomnia.

This Emily was very much real and alive. And for once, instead of him, she was the one with the month's worth of regret and guilt etched on her face.

But as far as knowing what he was feeling, Morgan wasn't quite there yet. So, he waited for a few seconds. He waited for the relief to flood his body as his lost love was returned to him. He waited for the feelings of warmth and love that would revive his heart. But none of that ever came. Instead, when he did finally feel something, it was an intense hatred that he had no idea what to do with.

* * *

_2007_

_Her lipstick was the first thing he noticed as he approached her at the bar. Not her lips. Her lipstick. Red and smeared along the edge of her half-empty glass. Contrasting against her snow-white complexation. He would never admit to it but he found her to be extremely alluring at this moment. _

"_So you actually came?" Her voice slightly teased and even though she was trying to hide it, the question was real. Part of her struggled to reconcile how a man like Derek Morgan would ever take such an interest in her. In her mind, she just was not that 'special' and he had a world of choice. _

"_When Derek Morgan agrees to a date you bet he comes." He took a seat next to her and ordered a drink of his own. His body was buzzing with nervousness that he had never experienced before as he struggled to play it cool. It was their first 'date' after all. _

"_Not a date remember, that would be against the rules," Emily spoke before biting her lip and letting a cheeky smile erupt on her face. _

_Part of her hated herself for feeling like this. Excited and optimistic. This was the first time she entertained the thought she could be happy with someone in years. Doyle had in many ways taken away Emily's already fragile ability to trust in relationships and other people. She had resigned to a life of distracting herself with work and compartmentalization some time ago but maybe things were changing. She no longer felt as if she had nothing left to give. _

_A few months of subtle and not so subtle flirting had led to this moment. The two had agreed that maybe, spending some time outside of work alone would be good. There were no expectations, simply, this was a time where they could unwind from their difficult jobs and enjoy each other's company._

_This 'date' became one of many as time went on. Derek and Emily would regularly find themselves at various lesser-known bars around town. It was tricky, but they couldn't risk a team member running into them. At first, they had felt like teenagers, sneaking out to see each other. But the need to be with one another soon overcame any discomfort they felt regarding the 'correctness' of their conduct. At times the unattainableness of their relationship was what made it so passionate. _

_Most nights would end in one of their respective apartments. They would take a shower together, letting the hot water and each other relieve the tension in their bodies. Then they would spend the rest of the night wrapped up in each other's arms. Bodies intertwined and hearts racing. _

_It wasn't a casual thing for them. Beyond the sex, there was a strong need for them to protect each other. And it was in these moments, bare flesh to bare flesh and vulnerable, that they could protect each other. They were in control. _

_Still, things went slowly from then on, their jobs making it hard for them to invest in a relationship. However, both Prentiss and Morgan found themselves the happiest they had been in a long time._

* * *

Emily knew her return wasn't going to be all smiles and hugs. No, too many people had been hurt for that. However, she didn't realize how unprepared she had been to see Derek again. To see his reaction. His face painted in anger and betrayal no matter how hard he tried to conceal it. Emily knew him too well and it killed her. She knew exactly what he must have gone through the past few months.

Still, Emily had never witnessed Derek quite like this before. Conflicted with an intense contradiction of anger and love. And she knew all of it was for her. Part of her held onto hope. A hope that this was just the shock, or that maybe he was angry with someone else. Anyone but her. Not that she believed she didn't deserve his wrath. But as she hugged him and felt his stiff arms awkwardly encase her body she knew everything she needed to know. And the guilt made her feel sick to her stomach.

She pulled back and spoke. "I am so sorry." Her tone was measured as she fought to repress the emotions she was experiencing. There was so much more she wanted to say. She needed to say. But she couldn't. Not while everyone else was here. Derek remained silent, his eyes slightly watering with hot tears.

Eventually, the others dissipated from the room. All needing to take some time by themselves and work through the events of the last hours. The pair stood in silence for an uncomfortable amount of time. Derek studied the carpet as Emily nervously interlaced her fingers. Waiting for him to say something. Anything.

"I thought you were dead." He finally spoke. His voice was much like hers, void of any true emotion. Emily was surprised, fully expecting him to erupt with anger once they were alone.

She pleaded with her brain to find the right thing to say. But what could she say? How would anything she said fix this?

"I know." She replied, her voice despondent.

He anxiously shifted on his feet. There had been months of replaying conversations with Emily in his head, imagining all the things he wanted to say to her, but now he didn't want to talk at all.

"You were gone." He stated plainly, unable to conjure up anything of particular meaning to say. He simply had no energy left for that despite the upset and anger he was feeling.

Emily's heart ached at the thought of him alone these past months. To her knowledge, the team had never learned of their relationship. He would have been grieving for a girlfriend no one knew he had. This particular thought had plagued her mind regularly in Paris. She had desperately wanted to reach out to him. Many letters were written, not destined to be sent. No matter how much she wanted them to be. However, after a while, she began to feel as if this was for the best, him not knowing she was alive. It wasn't like they could ever live a normal life again. Not with him out there. It wouldn't be fair to him.

Doyle had been killed three weeks ago. As expected, he came looking for Declan and Derek was right there, ready to pounce, when the time came. In the end, Derek wasn't the one who put the bullet between Doyle's eyes. That hadn't even been the plan. But Derek couldn't help but watch with glee as the man fought back and then fell dead onto the hardwood floor. Revenge had been served and now Emily could truly be allowed to rest. That was until now.

The week after Doyle's death something had shifted. The pain was still immeasurable and every time he'd close his eyes she would be there waiting. However, the other stuff in the background was beginning to return to normality. Derek Morgan had never thought he would experience 'normal' ever again.

He had gone out with the team for a drink for the first time in months. It wasn't enjoyable, there was a massive hole in all of their lives, but he had done it. He even found himself sitting in a therapist's office on a Monday afternoon. One outside of work where he spoke of their plans for the future. Everything they were going to do together. The life they were building. He cried like never before in those sessions but it was a catharsis that he needed. He thought that maybe one day, with time, life may start to feel bearable again. But most of all he had stopped seeing _her_ dressed in blood and anguish.

And now all of that had come back. And in some ways, it was so much worse.

How would they ever be able to move on from this?

* * *

I can't make any promises but I've just about written the second and third chapters so hopefully, I will have those edited and uploaded soon.

Reviews are very appreciated, would love to know if this something people are interested in :)


	2. Chapter 2

Hotch eyed the pair from the bullpen. The tension was obvious even from his distance. The unit chief had just returned from a particularly grueling meeting, one of many that he expected to be having these coming days. This past year was something he never wanted to repeat again.

He was not sure of the nature of the relationship between the two agents. Before Doyle, Hotch never questioned Emily and Derek's professionalism. For that reason, it was hard to believe that anything was going on between them. However, these past few months had given him a new perspective. A perspective that had made concealing the truth that much more unbearable.

At this moment he thought it was best that he didn't know all the details. Not while half the FBI was breathing down his neck.

There was a deeply uncomfortable silence that had settled around them. Derek was reminded of the days when he and Emily could just sit together without necessarily talking. Each other's presence just being enough. It was never awkward or unpleasant.

It was never like _this_.

"I'm sorry." Emily finally broke the silence.

"You can stop saying that." Derek snapped.

"Sorry." The worlds left her mouth before she could stop herself.

But it was too late. She watched as Derek turned and started walking out of the room.

Emily ran to catch him. "Derek wait! I want to talk to you." She spoke, grabbing gently onto his arm.

Derek paused for a moment, unable to speak as he focused on the hand that was on his arm. She was touching him. He hadn't even realized this before when they had hugged. She was somehow back, right in front of him and holding him. Her grip was soft but strong at the same time. The warmth of her hands penetrating through his sleeve and onto his skin. He had dreamed of her touch for months. She really was alive and then he felt it. Hidden by confusion and upset. He felt love.

He looked at her straight. "Talk then."

* * *

_2009 _

_Their 'dating' continued for weeks. As those weeks turned into months, their clutter had started to accuminate at the other's apartment. It had been a year since their first 'date' and the two agents had fallen into their own little routine. Somehow they had managed to separate Derek and Emily the FBI agents from Derek and Emily the lovers. _

_"This is more than sex isn't it?" Emily abruptly blurted out in the middle of a movie. This is how the couple spent most Friday nights if work allowed them to. Cuddled up on the sofa with her head resting against his chest. They would savor every moment of time they got to spend like this as a 'normal' couple. _

_Derek laughed at the unexpected question. "What are you talking about?" He wasn't quite sure where Emily was going with this. Emily just shrugged in response and turned away from him. _

_Derek was ready to settle back into the movie when he caught the pensive look on her face. Realizing something was definitely bothering his girlfriend, he set out to ease her worries. "Of course it is. Baby, I love you. You know that." He placed a hand on her thigh. _

_Emily smiled and looked down, fiddling with the corner of the blanket that lay over their bodies. "I love you too." She replied before continuing. "I was just worried that maybe…you weren't serious about this."_

_Morgan's heart dropped at the thought he had upset her somehow. "Have I done something?"_

_"No!" Emily quickly assured. Embarrassment slowly crept in as she cursed herself for voicing her insecurities. "No, I'm just been stupid." She tried to brush off her comments, willing Derek to forget this conversation. _

_Derek wasn't going to forget. However, he could see her shutting herself off from him. Not wanting to push her further away he tried to lighten the mood. "I still love you. Even when you are being stupid." Emily couldn't help but smile at the cheeky grin on his face._

_They sat in silence for the next ten minutes as the movie played in front of them. Maybe they did need to talk about this Derek thought. There was no doubt in his mind that this is was what he wanted but he couldn't deny that their relationship brought complications and issues they would have to face one day. Before he had a chance to even think, Emily once again suddenly started to speak again. _

_"I can't imagine anything happening to you. I couldn't live without you."_

_Derek waited for a moment before replying. "Well, princess, it's a good thing then that I'm not going anywhere." He smiled, squeezing her hand._

_Emily sighed. "But our jobs. We are always putting ourselves in danger. What if..."_

_"Hey stop that now" He brought a hand to her cheek. "Nothing bad has ever happened before that we couldn't handle and it won't in the future." _

_"You can't promise that" She spoke. _

_"Maybe not. But I can promise that, as long as it is in my control, I will always be here for you." Derek spoke, placing a tender kiss of her forehead. _

_You cannot be in control when you're dead Emily thought._

* * *

Emily never imagined she would be the one leaving him. It was always in her head, the fear, that one day Derek would be taken from her. A takedown gone wrong or an unsub out for revenge, these scenarios played over and over again in her mind. Derek would be gone and she would be the one left behind.

Yet here they were. She was the one who had gone and Derek had been left behind. And she couldn't help but think that this had been in her control. That she had failed to return the promise. She hadn't actually died.

"Emily?" Derek prompted, bringing Emily back into the present.

"It's been hard for me too." It was the first thing that came to her mind after he asked her to talk. Maybe honesty would work, she could show him that he wasn't alone, they could heal together. Though the moment the sentence left her mouth she regretted it.

"Has it?" He replied.

His spiteful tone wasn't lost on her. But she replied to his question.

"Yes."

Paris had nearly killed her all over again.

"I don't know what you want me to say." Derek sighed, growing tired with the conversation. Or rather the lack of conversation.

"I want to know what you are feeling." She said.

"What am I feeling? Emily, I am having a damn hard time working through all this." He spoke.

"Let me help you then. Let me make this better." She pleaded, walking up closer to him and placing a hand on his shoulder. But Derek flinched at her touch, visibly uncomfortable.

"Just stop Emily," Derek said, shaking his head. "I don't want to talk and if I did, you would be the last person I'd want to talk to right now."

The words didn't feel like his own but they came out so easily.

"Derek." Emily could barely talk, his statement shattering any control she had over her emotions.

"You're here again and I love you, Emily." He struggled to speak as his throat became increasingly tight. "I really do. But it is just too much."

And with that, he left.

* * *

_2010_

_Derek smiled as he wandered into the kitchen, Emily was leaning over the stovetop, her face the picture of concentration as she perfected the tomato-based pasta sauce. The rising steam from the saucepan had turned her soft cheeks a rosy color and her hair had been pulled back into a loose ponytail. Derek Morgan had never been so in love with her. There was something about seeing her comfortable, in his apartment and this relationship, that filled him with an intoxicating happiness. _

_He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her midsection. She initially protested, letting out an annoyed groan but eventually relaxed into his hold. Letting her head roll back and rest against his shoulder as she continued to stir the sauce. _

_"I want to marry you," Derek said after a few minutes. _

_Emily stopped stirring. "I'm sorry?" She decided that this must be one of Derek's 'attempts' at humor. _

_He tightened his hold around her and rested his chin on her shoulder. "You heard me. I want us to get married." His voice was low and almost dreamy. _

_At this Emily turned around to face him. "Derek, we can't just get married!" Emily said, brandishing the wooden spoon in the air as she spoke. _

_"You don't want to?" He asked, a frown forming on his face. _

_"No! Of course, I do!" Emily immediately replied. The words left her mouth so quickly that it surprised her. "That would be…" _

_That would be amazing, she thought. She had never quite let herself imagine it. Them as a normal couple. To her, it was too messy at the best of times. But Derek had the way of getting into her mind and making her think that, together, anything was possible. _

_"Then what's stopping us?" Derek asked, leaning back against the kitchen counter. _

_Emily snapped back into reality "Apart from our jobs? And the fact that Strauss would murder us on sight if she ever found out what we have been doing under her nose for the last few years."_

_"That's just stuff." He said._

_"Yeah, well Morgan, It is stuff that makes it hard for us to get married." She replied. "Anyway are you even been serious"_

_"Yes." He replied. "I don't have the ring or anything but I've just been thinking. We are both not getting any younger and maybe there are other things we want from life other than the work and the BAU."_

_"Other things…" Emily paused, slightly nervous to mention where her mind had immediately gone. "As in a family?"_

_"I mean, we should talk about this. At least." He said. "I just don't want us to have any regrets."_

_Emily nodded, letting her mind wander once again. "Yeah, yeah we should." _

_"We would have to come up with some sort of plan" He spoke, rubbing his head as the reality of the situation started to hit him. "And tell the team. Probably find new jobs."_

_Suddenly his dream seemed slightly crazier than it had moments ago. _

_"It's a lot," He said. "Maybe you're right." _

_Though when he looked back up and Emily her face painted a different picture. Her eyes glistened and she was barely holding back a huge smile as she bit her bottom lip. _

_"What is it?" Derek asked, studying the wide grin that had taken over Emily's face. "Why are you smiling like that?"_

_Emily pulled herself close to him, placing her hands on his shoulders. "I think that you, Derek Morgan, may be the only man in the world that could make me want this as much as I do right now." _

_Fate had other plans for them._

* * *

Apologies for any spelling and/or grammatical errors. I hope everyone is staying safe.


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